The Don’s Dilemma
This episode was written by Adam Tyler and directed by Peter Diamond.
(The quartel. Lancers are aiming at life-sized wooden images of Zorro.)
Mendoza: Ready! Aim! Fire! Men, please. It’s only a picture of Zorro. Listen, if we don’t get ourselves into some kind of shape by the time the alcalde comes back, he will have us transferred to the Amazon campaign.
And your alcalde will be joining you, Sergeant.
Mendoza: Governor Frescas.
Frescas: Deputy Governor Frescas, for the time being.
Mendoza: The alcalde said — you’re a day early!
Frescas: Yes. But apparently not a moment too soon. Of all the territory garrison pueblos from Monterey to Mexico City, Los Angeles is a laughing stock.
Mendoza: But as you can see, we have begun a new training regimen. Why, only yesterday, we were pursuing cattle thieves that have been preying on our rancheros. The alcalde himself wounded one in the chase.
Frescas: Cattle thieves are a trivial matter. I have been sent here for one purpose and one purpose only.
Mendoza: And what’s that?
Frescas: Him. The Governor has entrusted me with the capture of Zorro. And I will. I want him under lock and key by Saturday.
Mendoza: Saturday? That is not much time to capture —
Frescas: Either Zorro is in custody by then or your alcalde will be in irons. Now, where is he?
Mendoza: Oh, Governor Frescas. The alcalde’s poor grandmother is on her deathbed. She asked for him to be at her side in her last hours. He has made me acting alcalde while he is away.
Frescas: You! The malingering fool knew I was coming. I need someone with command presence. And I know just the man.
(The hacienda)
Alejandro: Me? Alcalde?
Frescas: I had heard you were the best man for the job. Consider yourself sworn in.
Alejandro: Very well. I’ll certainly try. Now then, exactly what do you want me to do?
Frescas: The usual administrative duties. Collect taxes, supervise the garrison, capture Zorro.
Alejandro: Capture Zorro?
Alejandro: You want Zorro by Saturday? (Laughs) Oh, forgive me, Deputy Governor, it’s just that our alcalde has been trying to “capture Zorro” for years.
Frescas: I want Zorro by Saturday.
Alejandro: Zorro is not some dull-witted outlaw you can capture in three days. (Diego enters and overhears this.) Don’t expect results.
Frescas: I expect nothing less. He’s going back to Monterey in chains.
Alejandro: Why? Just so you can put another feather in your cap with the Governor about to retire? Find someone else, Frescas. I will not serve to further your political ambitions.
Frescas: Do you realize to whom you are speaking?
Alejandro: And do you realize that the de la Vegas have lived through six territorial governors and will survive a good many more. No! I will not be silent because of some petty politician.
Diego: Deputy Governor Frescas! It is an honor. Diego de la Vega at your service.
Frescas: Fail me and I will impose such a tax surcharge on your property that you will be bankrupt within a month. Find Zorro, alcalde, or take the consequences. This is one “petty politician” you may not survive.
(A poor farm)
(A man falls from his horse. Another runs to his aid.)
Martinez: Swine! Madre de Dios. You rode like this all the way from Los Angeles. (Sees he has been shot.) What happened?
Brother: I was accused of being a cattle thief.
Martinez: By whom?
Brother: The alcalde of Los Angeles. I told him I was just passing through. But he wouldn’t listen. I got scared and rode off. The alcalde himself shot me.
Martinez: Gracias a Dios. It is only a flesh wound. You must rest now. I will get our neighbors to look after you.
Brother: Why? Where are you going?
Martinez: I am going to Los Angeles. I promise you, my brother, this alcalde has
shot his last innocent man.
(Diego and Felipe are riding through the pueblo gates.)
Diego: Since Zorro can hardly surrender himself to help my father, he must deliver these cattle rustlers to justice. Deputy Governor would at least have something to show off when he returns to Monterey. (Felipe makes some signs.) Exactly. Our plan hinges on luring these rustlers out into the open. You know what to do.
(The tavern. Diego enters.)
Diego: Busy day, Señorita?
Victoria. Oh, it’s been like this all week. I can’t imagine why so many people want to visit Los Angeles.
Diego: Your cooking?
(She smiles.)
Diego: (A little too loudly.) There’s Felipe. Our new prize bull must have arrived from San Diego. I better get him into the corral before nightfall.
(The corral.)
Rustler: Sanchez! Sanchez!
Zorro: Looking for someone, Amigo? (Zorro lashes out with his whip and the rustler bites the dust.)
(The tavern.)
(Mendoza and Alejandro approach Frescas.)
Mendoza: Deputy Governor, Zorro just delivered the cattle rustlers to the jail.
Alejandro: He’s come to our aid once again.
Frescas: Dear fellow, one swallow does not a summer make. One good deed will not save Zorro from the gallows. Don’t stand around talking about it, de la Vega. You only have thirty-six hours.
(They leave. Martinez enters.)
Victoria: Buenos noches, Señor. Are you looking for a room?
Martinez: Si, Señorita, but could you tell me the rate?
Victoria: Five pesos, including breakfast.
Martinez: Gracias. (He turns to leave.)
Victoria: I also have another room in the back. It is very small but so is the price. Two pesos.
Muchos gracias, Señorita.
Victoria: If you wait here a moment, I will have someone prepare it for you. (She leaves but comes back and sets a bowl in front of him.) There was some extra soup. I didn’t want it to go to waste. No charge.
Martinez: You’re very kind. Could you tell me the name of the alcalde of this pueblo?
Victoria: That would be Don Alejandro de la Vega. You passed him on your way in.
Voice: Señorita!
Victoria: Oh, I must go.
Martinez: (to himself.) Don Alejandro de la Vega. It is a very long name. He will need a big headstone.
(Alcalde’s office.)
Alejandro: Exactly how long have
these drawings been sitting, Sergeant?
Mendoza: The alcalde ordered the survey about eighteen months ago. When he
discovered how costly the new aqueduct would be, he abandoned the whole idea.
That’s about the time he ordered his bathtub from Paris. The one with the gold
bars?
Alejandro: I remember that. (Diego enters.) Ah, Diego. Look at these plans. The public irrigation system. They’ve been gathering dust here while the alcalde spends and fritters away the public money on himself, Son,
Diego: Well, we’re certainly in need of a new water supply.
Alejandro: That’s it. It’s settled. I am going to push this new project into effect at once. (He signs a paper.) Alejandro de la Vega, Acting Alcalde.
You may go, Sergeant. Thank you.
Diego: If only all your problems could be written off so easily. What about Zorro. After all, tomorrow is Saturday.
Alejandro. Oh, what can I do, Diego?
(There is a knock at the door.)
Alejandro: Yes? Come in! (Martinez enters.) Well, what can I do for you, my friend?
Martinez: You are the alcalde?
Alejandro: Yes, I am.
Martinez: My name is Miguel Martinez. I am new in town. I come to pay my respects. (As he is speaking, Diego sees he has a gun.)
Alejandro: Well, that’s very kind of you, Señor. Please? (Waves him forward.)
Martinez: No, I can see you are busy. I will come back when you are alone.
Alejandro: You see, Diego, only two days as alcalde, and already I am a friend of the people.
(Diego and Felipe are walking in the plaza.)
Diego: Unless he has custody of Zorro, Frescas will bankrupt us. Not to worry. It’s a long way to Monterey and Zorro has a knack for escaping. (Felipe signs.) Oh, my identity. I’ll insist that my mask be removed at my trial. The Governor will want that pleasure for himself.
(Diego sees Martinez climbing a wall.)
(As the man takes aim with his pistol, Diego’s wrestles the pistol away from him and pins him against a wall with his hand under his chin.)
Martinez: Let me go.
Diego: Not until you tell me why you’re trying to kill my father.
Martinez: Your father shot my brother who was an innocent man.
Diego: You’re mistaken. My father would never — Aaaah— (Martinez squirms and bites Diego’s hand. Then Diego slugs him.) I may have a use for that hard head of yours.
(The street.)
Frescas: Ah, de la Vega. I was just on my way out to your property to assess your tax surcharge. Remember, my edict was quite clear. No Zorro, no hacienda.
(Zorro rides up.)
Zorro: I hear you wish to see me. Well, here I am. Zorro, at your service. (Zorro cuts a Z on his jacket.)
Frescas: Don’t just stand there, arrest him!
Alejandro: Very well, Zorro, you’re under arrest.
Zorro: Oh, I’ve cooperated this far, Señor. Don’t expect miracles. (Lancers arrive.)
Mendoza: Zorro!
Frescas: Get him!
(Zorro turns, lashed his whip out to the flagpole, jumps off Tornado and swings around it knocking the lancers down. He fights the lancers, whistles for Tornado. As he fights more lancers, the horse chases some of them into the armoury.)
Victoria: Zorro!
Frescas: Seize the insolent rogue!
Zorro: (to Mendoza) Boo! You’ve had your chance. Adios. (Zorro runs off between two buildings.)
Frescas: Well, don’t let him get away!
Lancer: Get him!
(Mendoza leads the lancers around the building to find Zorro laying there in the alley.)
Mendoza: Zorro! He must have been hit by this tile when it fell off that roof. It is our lucky day.
(Plaza)
Alejandro: It is not that easy a task to capture Zorro, sir.
(Mendoza runs back into the
street. The lancers bring a dazed Zorro with them.)
Mendoza: Deputy Governor! Deputy Governor! We caught him!
Victoria: Oh no!
Mendoza: I find it hard to believe myself.
Frescas: I do so hate secrets, don’t you? (He steps up to Zorro and unmasks him.) Here is your Zorro.
Alejandro: Zorro?
Victoria: Zorro?
Martinez: Zorro? I’m not Zorro.
(Diego appears from around a corner.)
Diego: You certainly have the same tailor.
Martinez: But I tell you, I’m not Zorro.
Mendoza: I never saw him before.
Diego: Well, maybe he planned it that way.
Mendoza: We caught him so easily.
Diego: Perhaps Zorro is just not feeling himself today.
Victoria: (She runs to stand in front of Zorro.) Well?
Martinez: Well what?
Victoria: Now that your mask has been removed. You made a promise to me.
Martinez: Yes, I did.
Victoria: Well, then say it! I don’t care if you are under arrest.
Martinez: This is hardly the time, Señorita. But I promise to pay you the two pesos I owe for the room.
Victoria: (Turns to Diego.) This can’t be Zorro. (Faints in Diego’s arms.)
Diego: I guess Zorro is just not as romantic as she imagined.
(Outside the armoury. They are preparing to take the prisoner known as Zorro to Monterey.)
Frescas: Well, gentlemen, this should make the Governor quite happy.
Diego: You will be known as the man who brought Zorro to justice.
Frescas: Yes, it worked out well for everyone, except perhaps for Zorro here.
Martinez: (Through his gag.) I’m not Zorro, I’m not Zorro.
Frescas: I’m sure the trial will be shorter than the rope that hangs him.
Alejandro: You know something, Diego. I think maybe Victoria is right. That man is not Zorro.
Diego: Well, if the real Zorro does show himself again, then Frescas will be forced to admit his error and set that man free.
Alejandro: And that would definitely frustrate the Deputy Governor’s political plan, wouldn’t it?
Diego: And that would be a shame.
(On the road to Monterey.)
Frescas: Zorro! Then who— Take him! Surrender or die!
Zorro: I’m not sure I like those two choices. (As the lancers come forward, Zorro flips backward over Tornado, comes up underneath him and brings down the men, knocking their heads together.) Monterey is that way, Señor.
Frescas: Don’t tell me where to go. (Zorro knocks the sword from his hands and then cuts the reigns.)
Zorro: If you’re going to be stubborn about it, I’m sure your horse knows the way home.
Martinez: You let them arrest an innocent men!
Zorro: And you almost shot one. Don Alejandro is the temporary alcalde. He is not the man who shot your brother.
Martinez: How did you know I was going to kill him?
Zorro: How? Because I’m Zorro. (He rips the man’s fake mustache off.) Now go home. And remember you’re a farmer, not an executioner.
(The alcalde’s office. Mendoza is sitting at the desk with his feet up, smoking a cigar.)
Ramon: Mendoza! What do you think you are doing?
Mendoza: Oh, mi alcalde, you are back! How is your grandmother?
Ramon: Grandmother…uh Grandmother, yes. Remarkable recovery, quite remarkable. What is this?
Mendoza: Oh, good news, alcalde, while you were gone, Don Alejandro was mad acting alcalde and he signed a new irrigation bill into law. Well, maybe it’s bad news.
Ramon: What else has been done? Hm? My stamp! No one is supposed to use my stamp! My cigars! Where are my cigars? Is nothing sacred?
Mendoza: Well, one good thing happened while you were gone. We will never see Zorro again.
(Zorro pulls back a curtain and appears.)
Zorro: Think again, Sergeant.
Mendoza: Zorro! It’s impossible.
Zorro: I couldn’t’ take the chance of the alcalde vetoing Don Alejandro’s irrigation system. I’ll take that. (He takes the document from Ramon.) Thank you. (He turns to go and then turns back around.) I almost forgot.
Ramon: What?
Zorro: I really can’t resist.
Ramon: No, not again.
Zorro: You know, Alcalde, you have termites.
(The plaza.)
Zorro: People of Los Angeles, I bring you welcome news. This is a bill signed into law by a man although only in office for a short time governed well and wisely. You may thank Don Alejandro for your new irrigation system. (He rides up to Victoria.) Señorita, my promise still holds true. Never doubt it. It is engraved forever in my heart. (Zorro rides away.)
Alejandro: I knew they had arrested an imposter.
Victoria: Of course. There’s only one Zorro.
The End